My Dad

I don't even know where to start. I started this blog with the best of intentions - intending to blog about my running - keep you guys posted on the marathon training and maybe provide a laugh or two. Let's get that part of out of the way - I haven't been running. I've been doing terribly with the training. I will get back to that.

The rest in more important. And harder than any marathon training could ever be.

My dad is just sick. We have known my dad was sick for a very long time. He suffered a stroke 6 years ago, a heart attack 2 years ago followed by quad bypass surgery and he just never fully recovered from any of it. He has been in kidney failure for about a year and going through dialysis, which is quite possibly the most not fun thing I could imagine having to do. He has been weak for awhile but he's been the strong willed Dad I have known and loved dearly for 35 years. He has gotten worse over the past 3 weeks.

A week and a half ago (the day after Memorial Day), my dad entered the hospital - he just wasn't well. I won't go into all the details but after performing many tests to just gauge improvement, decline, those types of things, he had a procedure to check his heart for an infection and for heart function. He did not have an infection in the heart - praise the Lord. However, his test showed that his heart function is about 10% and part of the heart is not even pumping at all. I'll say it again, we haven't been naive - we have known and accepted that he has been sick but this was devastating news. My mother and I sat in the waiting room and waited for the doctor. We both knew when we saw his face the news was not good. Our precious doctor and friend, Dr. Sekar, an amazing Christian man told my mom this was obviously alarming. The conversation was a hard one but sweet to hear him tell us that only God knows when dad will go home to heaven - so he wasn't going to say how "long" he had. However, we did have to prepare to enter the end stages and think about how to care for Dad given this decline in function and condition of his heart.

While in the hospital, there was no improvement. The dialysis is not working as well to flush out the toxins. In addition, the fact that the heart is too weak to pump the blood effectively through the body and to the brain, he stays confused a lot of the time or sleeps (which is about 95% of the time). It's not fair to see your dad like that.

A few days ago, we were all blessed with a good, lucid day with dad to talk to him. To cry with him, pray with him and love on him. The details of those conversations and moments are private and will be locked away in our hearts forever but I feel it's given us a new freedom to walk in - a new direction to enjoy the time he has left.

We brought dad home today and have set up hospice care at the house. It's not something I ever thought we'd have to do for my big, strong dad.

Dad is very sick. Only God knows when He will take Dad home but medically speaking, he is nearing the end and it is heartbreaking. I know that my God is able to perform MIRACLES. I know that my God is able to heal. I know that my God gives and my God takes away. I know that my God sits on the throne and He is MIGHTY TO SAVE. I ask you to pray that we all can rest in God's perfect will. That we can tangibly feel God's presence. Pray that comfort and peace will abound and that God gets all the glory.

I love you daddy.

I love you Father.

Eye on the Prize

So 3 days of official training down: 2 miles Monday (meh), 2 miles Tuesday (blah) and rest day today (OH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT KIDS!).

I have spent a lot of today pondering this whole big training, giant goal thing. I don't like running. Let me just get that out there. I WANT to be a runner, but I don't enjoy it. I like the IDEA of being a runner and I certainly want the body of a runner. The part I DO like is how I feel after I'm done running. Seriously, I was running both Monday and Tuesday and quite honestly, thinking "wow, this really blows." BUT after I was done I felt like "OH I CANNOT WAIT TO RUN A MARATHON!" So today I was thinking, it's really the prize I want not the process. I don't care about doing all this training stuff, but the thought of crossing that finish line in Chicago gets me almost giddy! Guess what? That's how I feel about my Jesus too! I want HIM but not this life. AND, I think that's good and bad. I mean AWESOME that what I want is Him but I really should slow down and really train and enjoy the process of getting to Him for eternity too.

I was running yesterday and I was listening to some secular music (GASP) and it was amazing to me how God was showing me HIM even in those songs. It's like I feel Him just calling to me during the time I'm out there ENDURING the run. Not ENJOYING, but ENDURING. And isn't that so true of our God? When we are just ENDURING, not ENJOYING, God is always forever pursuing us. He is our prize.

"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 (ESV)

Another run tomorrow - I will update more then!

About to Jump in!

Welp, here we go....almost. I still have a few more hours before this training officially "starts" but for all practical purposes, I'm about to jump in.

The 5k on Saturday really sucked. It rained literally buckets and it was an entirely uphill course. I don't know how that is possible but I assure you the entire way was up hill. To my girls who ran with me in Peachtree City, this was worse. I mean that one HILL in PTC may have been worse, but there were like 5 of them in this race. My brother and sister in law ran with me....well not WITH me because they are faster, but the did run the race. I am going to be honest and say that I had to walk some of it. I just couldn't keep my breathing steady on the hills. I was upset the couple of times I had to walk but when I finished it didn't matter - felt good. SO, I registered for another 5k next Saturday - the Geranium 5k. I hear it's flat - yeah, that's what the crazy lady in the bathroom in Peachtree City said too. I have to run 3 miles on Saturday for this training plan anyway, so I figure I might as well get a t-shirt.

Speaking of this training, here's what we're down for this week:
Monday - 2 miles (YAY, thank you LORD)
Tuesday - 2 miles
Wednesday - cross train
Thursday - 2 miles
Friday - 2 miles
Saturday - 3 miles (I'm just doing a 5k instead!)

SOOOO, I'm not too worried about this week cause I KNOW I can do this week and honestly, I am NOT going to get too far ahead of myself - taking it literally one day at a time. That said, I feel good that I'm GOOD with a week! ha!

Also, tomorrow will be a big day of changes in the el food-o department. Bye bye anything to drink but water and bye bye white carbs and bye bye sugar. It's outta here! I am going to be eating pretty much like the Daniel Fast but adding lean meats and egg whites for protein. It's going to be hard, but I want to eat really, really well while I'm doing this.

That said, Saturdays are cheat days and I can eat whatever I want that day after these "long runs" - I'm feeling good about this plan - pray that it will go well!!

God has been working in my life so much and I can't wait to see what He does through this. We had a great message on giving today and God really lead me to give something to someone and I just followed in obedience and He has blessed me already. God's blessings are amazing but to even see them immediately is really overwhelming. I love being a daughter of the almighty King! That makes me a princess, ya know.

I'm going to write about my runs every day and I will go ahead and apologize for any emotional rants because I'm just going to say what I feel about it - I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. Right now I am just looking at tomorrow and I am thinking it's going to be a GOOD day!

This is a big wall in front of me that I feel like I am going to try to move but I know that it is going to be God through me that accomplishes this and my prayer is that there will be GLORY to Him in some way.

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:16

PRAY!

So...honestly, I am very excited about this whole journey and I'd be lying to say I wasn't a little bit nervous. I'd also be lying if I said I was 100% ready to start this training plan on Monday. I'm running a 5k on Saturday, with my brother and my sister in law - yeah, whatever - that will be fine but do you realize that come Monday, I start a 24 WEEK PLAN OF TRAINING TO RUN A MARATHON?! What? I mean, here's the thing - I've been kind of doing all I can to avoid actually jumping in - "oh, it's fine, I don't start training until Monday", "yeah, it will be okay - I have another week until I have to start." So really, I am feeling a little overwhelmed like that has put me behind.

Pray for me and my motivation. I've got it but I need to dig deep and pull it up and hold onto it, you know what I mean? I'm doing this come stink or high water but it's so not going to be easy and I'm a little afraid. I am going to just be straight up honest as we go cause right now, I'm not feeling too encouraged about it. I think I'm good with the first 3 weeks then after that, well we'll see.

As if I needed any MORE inspiration....

I'm chock full of inspiration for doing this - really, I am. I am SO excited about doing this - apprehensive a little, but definitely excited. You'd think I wouldn't need even more inspiration, but I have found even more. Were you aware that Sonic has a burger with jalapeno poppers ON it?!? I mean REALLY?!?! I texted Steph about it and don't lie Steph, you were intrigued too. So I said "after the race, my friend." Let me, therefore, go on record saying "I am running the the Chicago marathon for the sonic popper burger." I will eat one after I run 26.2 miles - make no mistake about that! In the words of my fab friend Steph, "blog that baby!"

Speaking of Steph - she really is such an inspiration. She and I have been through SO much together. I have known her since our freshman year in college and been "besties" since our junior year really. Our senior year we lived together off campus and well, I don't have enough pages to rehash all those stories for you. Some other time. Some other time.

Steph is one of those people that is true to the core. I have to admit that our friendship went cold for awhile - and because of me. I have been through some stuff that I just kinda didn't want to deal with and therefore, would shut people out - she was one of them. There was a time I just kind of shut her off. I'm sorry, Steph - I am so thankful that you loved me every single day even I wasn't lovable. Every time I've needed her most, she's come running - regardless of the past our choices I've made. When I told her about what happened with my marriage and that I was moving home, her response was "let me be your best friend." I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to run this race with her. She is a RUNNER in every sense of the word and even though she'll be showered, fed and rested up by the time I cross that finish line (haha), she will be there with me! Steph, you are amazing and I love you and am proud to call you friend. Thank you for loving me in spite of me and I am so excited to share this journey with you.

Now bring on the popper burger!

He'll use us anywhere but He will put us where He wants us

I promise that when this official program starts on 4/25, I will actually blog about running and tie it together with what I'm learning but for now, well my calves hurt after running in my sister in law's neighborhood which has A LOT OF HILLS. We didn't even run that far either - so that's not fair.

I've been thinking a lot today about where God places us. It's so true that He will use us anywhere but I also firmly believe that He will put us where He wants us and if we trust that and follow then blessings definitely flow. Which brings me to my real thought - I'm "home" - I'm in Georgia. I lived in Chicago for 10 years. Even though my life was there, I really wanted to be back here in Georgia. My lovely friend Courtney can attest to that - hours of gabbing to her on the phone about how I so wished we could just pack it up and move. That just wasn't in the cards. Well, as it turns out here I am - it took something awful and horrible to move me back here but here I am. At the time I moved, I didn't even really consider it a choice - I mean after what happened I was going no matter what. Don't get me wrong, that did not mean that I just wanted to walk away from my marriage and everything and give up without trying - quite the opposite actually (and more on that in another post) but I had to remove myself and the girls from the situation and get into a support structure that quite honestly, I could've only had here in Georgia. After many, many more conversations about this with Court, she said something very wise to me. She said "you know, you never had a peace about being in Chicago, HB....I can't help but wonder if that was God's plan, you weren't happy there because He knew you'd be going back to Georgia." Boy was she right and so was God.

As more time has gone by, I've felt stronger and stronger that being back here was as much for me as it was for my parents. As I write this, my daddy is in the hospital. He's not well. I know my dad might read this so I'm sorry dad, but you're just not well. I am so unbelievably grateful and humbled that God would have me here "for such a time as this" (can I get an amen for the Esther study, ladies??). I don't know a whole lot more than just God will put us where He wants us (bring us home if need be). Did He use me in Chicago? You betcha. Did He know I would be more fruitful here in Georgia? You betcha. He also knew that as much as I needed my family, they needed me.

Please pray for my dad - for healing and comfort and also for all of the doctors - for wisdom and discernment in his care. I love you daddy.

Where do I Start?

So after I started this blog last night I had a chance to really think about it and pray about it and ponder over what and how much I share with the "public" - and I realized that I am just going to write from the heart. If I feel like sharing details, I will but forgive me if I don't because A. I don't want to really rehash a lot of it and B. because of the grace of God, most of those details don't even matter anymore.

In thinking about blogging in general, I think sometimes you get into a rush to just "spill" the back story - lay it all out there and give as much detail as you can so people are "up to speed" (yes, I do plan to use quotes for all those cliches, because well, that is just the cool thing to do). BUT - my thought is that the stuff I want to share should really be spread out - because the wonderful thing about God's grace and mercy and His weaving of your lifestory is that as you look back, details make much more sense in context and are more powerful as you share WHAT you learned as a result of those details. SO, I am not going to just spill out the back story, I will just write about bits and pieces as they come and weave them together with the lessons I've learned and what I hope to learn through this crazy thing they call marathon training.

So, my "training plan" (see, cool right?) officially starts on April 25th. I am running a 5k on April 24th with my brother Jason and my sister in law Marcie and then I'm jumping into a 24 week training plan to that will take me right up to race day! I tell you this because well, I'm kinda going to need a little thing you might call accountability - so throwing it out there so you can boss me around.

Now a little more about this amazing story God has been weaving in my life. May sound contradictory to an amazing story, but I'm divorced. Something I never thought I would ever say about my life or my family or the way things are for me - but I'm coming to terms with what reality is and that God loves me regardless of any label - in fact, my sweet Jesus knew this was going to happen long before I did! He so sweetly and intentionally prepared me for it all over the past 10 years - looking back and seeing those details now are amazing and touching and breathtaking. The long story short - on February 17th 2009 after having a wonderful 30th birthday party for my dear friend Emma Avery (RUNNER WITH ME IN THE MARATHON - more about her in another post), I discovered my husband had been having an affair - the night was a blur but I will tell you this, that night God held me so tightly and answered a prayer in a way that I couldn't fully appreciate until now. I made this awful discovery while my husband was out. I called my mom at midnight her time and told her and to please get up and pray with my dad that I knew my husband was having an affair. She was so confused but I said I was just sure and I needed her to pray for calm and collection when he came home. I hung up and did the same. I remember praying SO hard for God to just give me peace - to not kill him. To not go ballastic like I wanted to because my 2 precious girls were in the house. I will stop short of everything to say that God delivered in a big, giant way that night and in turn has delivered me in a big, giant way into a life of more joy and peace than I've ever experienced. I'll weave a little more later but I tell you those details because when this all happened, I lived in Chicago. 10 days after this happened, I moved with my girls to Georgia - I left Chicago behind and quite honestly, with a bad taste in my mouth. So, that's why I'm going back to do something BIG in Chicago. I want to settle the score with myself there. I want to accomplish something bigger than I've ever done physically in a place that scarred me so bad emotionally. I can't wait to run across that finish line holding my hands high and knowing that God carried me out of a place to put me where He wanted me and that He will carry me back to heal places that I thought weren't still hurt. Look out Chicago - I am on my way!

God is so amazing in the way He works. The next few days I will talk about the two verses on my mind. Hebrews 12:1 and Exodus 14:14. Both of these verses hold such a special place in my heart right now for so many reasons and have meant so much to me over the past year and 2 months.

Until next time!

Marathon in October - YEEK!

I have so much background to fill you in on but I will start by saying that I am going to use this blog to update about training for a marathon in October! I don't know what I've gotten myself into but I know this is very symbolic for me in my life and I want to capture the million thoughts that bounce around in my head every day - things that parallel in my life with regards to running and growing each and every day. I will definitely give you a full background as I go but I wanted to set the stage so to speak.

October 10, 2010 - Chicago Marathon - I will be there with 5 friends and 44,995 other people to run 26.2 miles. Why Chicago? Let's just say I have some unfinished business in that city! I will be running with two of my very best friends ever in life - Courtney Simmons Barnes and Stephanie Stephens Braatz. Also running is a dear friend of mine from Chicago, Emma Avery and two of Court's friends from Memphis, Becky Bowers and Adina Wiseman. I will tell you more about each of these ladies and their impact on my lives as we go along but that's all you get for now.

The past year has been the worst of my life yet the best of my life so far. My life was turned upside down on February 17, 2009 - things as I knew it fell apart for me and my life took an entirely new direction - a direction that I did not want to go in, one that was hard, and painful and horrible and awful and left me breathless and broken. However, it ended in a direction that was amazing and powerful and joyful and COMPLETE. Jesus is my rock. He has held me in the palm of His hand and held me close when I needed Him the most. He has proven to me yet again that NOTHING in life matters but knowing you are His. And one thing I know is this: "The Lord will fight for you while you remain silent." Exodus 14:14.