Alright. Truth time. I know so many of you guys have bugged me to death about getting back on here and writing about what's been up. Here's the truth, I really didn't want to follow up on my last entry about my Dad - that's why I didn't do it. That was a tough one so I kinda let it just sit there in time. BUT, we all know it's all working together for good, right? Okay, let me not assume that - and actually if you don't know about that, email me because I'd love to talk to you about it.
God's moving in my life in big ways at the moment. It's pretty amazing. Can't wait to share all about it. Here's the first thing:
God is God no matter what. Simple right? Heck yes it is. I tend to think too much sometimes - overthink. What if? Is this all there is to it? Surely He wants more from me....surely He can't want THAT from me. It's crazy. Lately Jesus has shown up in a big way - showing me that He just is - no more no less than what He puts on my heart. More amazing than that? He pursues me when I'm not even pursuing Him - how much better can THAT get really? Lately I've had the privilege of bonding with some awesome ladies over bible study - the realness we've been able to share has been nothing shy of tremendous. I'm thankful that God loves me enough to put realness in my life - starting with Him, followed by my girls, my family and then my fabulous friends - especially the ones who aren't afraid to speak truth and love and truth in love into my life. Forever grateful.
So what am I gonna do with all I'm learning? Good question - gonna share that with you guys too. I'll get back in the groove and it will be a good thing. Definitely going to pursue some Jesus.
Isaiah 49:16 - TRUTH!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Friday, June 11, 2010
My Dad
I don't even know where to start. I started this blog with the best of intentions - intending to blog about my running - keep you guys posted on the marathon training and maybe provide a laugh or two. Let's get that part of out of the way - I haven't been running. I've been doing terribly with the training. I will get back to that.
The rest in more important. And harder than any marathon training could ever be.
My dad is just sick. We have known my dad was sick for a very long time. He suffered a stroke 6 years ago, a heart attack 2 years ago followed by quad bypass surgery and he just never fully recovered from any of it. He has been in kidney failure for about a year and going through dialysis, which is quite possibly the most not fun thing I could imagine having to do. He has been weak for awhile but he's been the strong willed Dad I have known and loved dearly for 35 years. He has gotten worse over the past 3 weeks.
A week and a half ago (the day after Memorial Day), my dad entered the hospital - he just wasn't well. I won't go into all the details but after performing many tests to just gauge improvement, decline, those types of things, he had a procedure to check his heart for an infection and for heart function. He did not have an infection in the heart - praise the Lord. However, his test showed that his heart function is about 10% and part of the heart is not even pumping at all. I'll say it again, we haven't been naive - we have known and accepted that he has been sick but this was devastating news. My mother and I sat in the waiting room and waited for the doctor. We both knew when we saw his face the news was not good. Our precious doctor and friend, Dr. Sekar, an amazing Christian man told my mom this was obviously alarming. The conversation was a hard one but sweet to hear him tell us that only God knows when dad will go home to heaven - so he wasn't going to say how "long" he had. However, we did have to prepare to enter the end stages and think about how to care for Dad given this decline in function and condition of his heart.
While in the hospital, there was no improvement. The dialysis is not working as well to flush out the toxins. In addition, the fact that the heart is too weak to pump the blood effectively through the body and to the brain, he stays confused a lot of the time or sleeps (which is about 95% of the time). It's not fair to see your dad like that.
A few days ago, we were all blessed with a good, lucid day with dad to talk to him. To cry with him, pray with him and love on him. The details of those conversations and moments are private and will be locked away in our hearts forever but I feel it's given us a new freedom to walk in - a new direction to enjoy the time he has left.
We brought dad home today and have set up hospice care at the house. It's not something I ever thought we'd have to do for my big, strong dad.
Dad is very sick. Only God knows when He will take Dad home but medically speaking, he is nearing the end and it is heartbreaking. I know that my God is able to perform MIRACLES. I know that my God is able to heal. I know that my God gives and my God takes away. I know that my God sits on the throne and He is MIGHTY TO SAVE. I ask you to pray that we all can rest in God's perfect will. That we can tangibly feel God's presence. Pray that comfort and peace will abound and that God gets all the glory.
I love you daddy.
I love you Father.
The rest in more important. And harder than any marathon training could ever be.
My dad is just sick. We have known my dad was sick for a very long time. He suffered a stroke 6 years ago, a heart attack 2 years ago followed by quad bypass surgery and he just never fully recovered from any of it. He has been in kidney failure for about a year and going through dialysis, which is quite possibly the most not fun thing I could imagine having to do. He has been weak for awhile but he's been the strong willed Dad I have known and loved dearly for 35 years. He has gotten worse over the past 3 weeks.
A week and a half ago (the day after Memorial Day), my dad entered the hospital - he just wasn't well. I won't go into all the details but after performing many tests to just gauge improvement, decline, those types of things, he had a procedure to check his heart for an infection and for heart function. He did not have an infection in the heart - praise the Lord. However, his test showed that his heart function is about 10% and part of the heart is not even pumping at all. I'll say it again, we haven't been naive - we have known and accepted that he has been sick but this was devastating news. My mother and I sat in the waiting room and waited for the doctor. We both knew when we saw his face the news was not good. Our precious doctor and friend, Dr. Sekar, an amazing Christian man told my mom this was obviously alarming. The conversation was a hard one but sweet to hear him tell us that only God knows when dad will go home to heaven - so he wasn't going to say how "long" he had. However, we did have to prepare to enter the end stages and think about how to care for Dad given this decline in function and condition of his heart.
While in the hospital, there was no improvement. The dialysis is not working as well to flush out the toxins. In addition, the fact that the heart is too weak to pump the blood effectively through the body and to the brain, he stays confused a lot of the time or sleeps (which is about 95% of the time). It's not fair to see your dad like that.
A few days ago, we were all blessed with a good, lucid day with dad to talk to him. To cry with him, pray with him and love on him. The details of those conversations and moments are private and will be locked away in our hearts forever but I feel it's given us a new freedom to walk in - a new direction to enjoy the time he has left.
We brought dad home today and have set up hospice care at the house. It's not something I ever thought we'd have to do for my big, strong dad.
Dad is very sick. Only God knows when He will take Dad home but medically speaking, he is nearing the end and it is heartbreaking. I know that my God is able to perform MIRACLES. I know that my God is able to heal. I know that my God gives and my God takes away. I know that my God sits on the throne and He is MIGHTY TO SAVE. I ask you to pray that we all can rest in God's perfect will. That we can tangibly feel God's presence. Pray that comfort and peace will abound and that God gets all the glory.
I love you daddy.
I love you Father.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Eye on the Prize
So 3 days of official training down: 2 miles Monday (meh), 2 miles Tuesday (blah) and rest day today (OH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT KIDS!).
I have spent a lot of today pondering this whole big training, giant goal thing. I don't like running. Let me just get that out there. I WANT to be a runner, but I don't enjoy it. I like the IDEA of being a runner and I certainly want the body of a runner. The part I DO like is how I feel after I'm done running. Seriously, I was running both Monday and Tuesday and quite honestly, thinking "wow, this really blows." BUT after I was done I felt like "OH I CANNOT WAIT TO RUN A MARATHON!" So today I was thinking, it's really the prize I want not the process. I don't care about doing all this training stuff, but the thought of crossing that finish line in Chicago gets me almost giddy! Guess what? That's how I feel about my Jesus too! I want HIM but not this life. AND, I think that's good and bad. I mean AWESOME that what I want is Him but I really should slow down and really train and enjoy the process of getting to Him for eternity too.
I was running yesterday and I was listening to some secular music (GASP) and it was amazing to me how God was showing me HIM even in those songs. It's like I feel Him just calling to me during the time I'm out there ENDURING the run. Not ENJOYING, but ENDURING. And isn't that so true of our God? When we are just ENDURING, not ENJOYING, God is always forever pursuing us. He is our prize.
"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 (ESV)
Another run tomorrow - I will update more then!
I have spent a lot of today pondering this whole big training, giant goal thing. I don't like running. Let me just get that out there. I WANT to be a runner, but I don't enjoy it. I like the IDEA of being a runner and I certainly want the body of a runner. The part I DO like is how I feel after I'm done running. Seriously, I was running both Monday and Tuesday and quite honestly, thinking "wow, this really blows." BUT after I was done I felt like "OH I CANNOT WAIT TO RUN A MARATHON!" So today I was thinking, it's really the prize I want not the process. I don't care about doing all this training stuff, but the thought of crossing that finish line in Chicago gets me almost giddy! Guess what? That's how I feel about my Jesus too! I want HIM but not this life. AND, I think that's good and bad. I mean AWESOME that what I want is Him but I really should slow down and really train and enjoy the process of getting to Him for eternity too.
I was running yesterday and I was listening to some secular music (GASP) and it was amazing to me how God was showing me HIM even in those songs. It's like I feel Him just calling to me during the time I'm out there ENDURING the run. Not ENJOYING, but ENDURING. And isn't that so true of our God? When we are just ENDURING, not ENJOYING, God is always forever pursuing us. He is our prize.
"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 (ESV)
Another run tomorrow - I will update more then!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
About to Jump in!
Welp, here we go....almost. I still have a few more hours before this training officially "starts" but for all practical purposes, I'm about to jump in.
The 5k on Saturday really sucked. It rained literally buckets and it was an entirely uphill course. I don't know how that is possible but I assure you the entire way was up hill. To my girls who ran with me in Peachtree City, this was worse. I mean that one HILL in PTC may have been worse, but there were like 5 of them in this race. My brother and sister in law ran with me....well not WITH me because they are faster, but the did run the race. I am going to be honest and say that I had to walk some of it. I just couldn't keep my breathing steady on the hills. I was upset the couple of times I had to walk but when I finished it didn't matter - felt good. SO, I registered for another 5k next Saturday - the Geranium 5k. I hear it's flat - yeah, that's what the crazy lady in the bathroom in Peachtree City said too. I have to run 3 miles on Saturday for this training plan anyway, so I figure I might as well get a t-shirt.
Speaking of this training, here's what we're down for this week:
Monday - 2 miles (YAY, thank you LORD)
Tuesday - 2 miles
Wednesday - cross train
Thursday - 2 miles
Friday - 2 miles
Saturday - 3 miles (I'm just doing a 5k instead!)
SOOOO, I'm not too worried about this week cause I KNOW I can do this week and honestly, I am NOT going to get too far ahead of myself - taking it literally one day at a time. That said, I feel good that I'm GOOD with a week! ha!
Also, tomorrow will be a big day of changes in the el food-o department. Bye bye anything to drink but water and bye bye white carbs and bye bye sugar. It's outta here! I am going to be eating pretty much like the Daniel Fast but adding lean meats and egg whites for protein. It's going to be hard, but I want to eat really, really well while I'm doing this.
That said, Saturdays are cheat days and I can eat whatever I want that day after these "long runs" - I'm feeling good about this plan - pray that it will go well!!
God has been working in my life so much and I can't wait to see what He does through this. We had a great message on giving today and God really lead me to give something to someone and I just followed in obedience and He has blessed me already. God's blessings are amazing but to even see them immediately is really overwhelming. I love being a daughter of the almighty King! That makes me a princess, ya know.
I'm going to write about my runs every day and I will go ahead and apologize for any emotional rants because I'm just going to say what I feel about it - I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. Right now I am just looking at tomorrow and I am thinking it's going to be a GOOD day!
This is a big wall in front of me that I feel like I am going to try to move but I know that it is going to be God through me that accomplishes this and my prayer is that there will be GLORY to Him in some way.
"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:16
The 5k on Saturday really sucked. It rained literally buckets and it was an entirely uphill course. I don't know how that is possible but I assure you the entire way was up hill. To my girls who ran with me in Peachtree City, this was worse. I mean that one HILL in PTC may have been worse, but there were like 5 of them in this race. My brother and sister in law ran with me....well not WITH me because they are faster, but the did run the race. I am going to be honest and say that I had to walk some of it. I just couldn't keep my breathing steady on the hills. I was upset the couple of times I had to walk but when I finished it didn't matter - felt good. SO, I registered for another 5k next Saturday - the Geranium 5k. I hear it's flat - yeah, that's what the crazy lady in the bathroom in Peachtree City said too. I have to run 3 miles on Saturday for this training plan anyway, so I figure I might as well get a t-shirt.
Speaking of this training, here's what we're down for this week:
Monday - 2 miles (YAY, thank you LORD)
Tuesday - 2 miles
Wednesday - cross train
Thursday - 2 miles
Friday - 2 miles
Saturday - 3 miles (I'm just doing a 5k instead!)
SOOOO, I'm not too worried about this week cause I KNOW I can do this week and honestly, I am NOT going to get too far ahead of myself - taking it literally one day at a time. That said, I feel good that I'm GOOD with a week! ha!
Also, tomorrow will be a big day of changes in the el food-o department. Bye bye anything to drink but water and bye bye white carbs and bye bye sugar. It's outta here! I am going to be eating pretty much like the Daniel Fast but adding lean meats and egg whites for protein. It's going to be hard, but I want to eat really, really well while I'm doing this.
That said, Saturdays are cheat days and I can eat whatever I want that day after these "long runs" - I'm feeling good about this plan - pray that it will go well!!
God has been working in my life so much and I can't wait to see what He does through this. We had a great message on giving today and God really lead me to give something to someone and I just followed in obedience and He has blessed me already. God's blessings are amazing but to even see them immediately is really overwhelming. I love being a daughter of the almighty King! That makes me a princess, ya know.
I'm going to write about my runs every day and I will go ahead and apologize for any emotional rants because I'm just going to say what I feel about it - I know I'm going to have good days and bad days. Right now I am just looking at tomorrow and I am thinking it's going to be a GOOD day!
This is a big wall in front of me that I feel like I am going to try to move but I know that it is going to be God through me that accomplishes this and my prayer is that there will be GLORY to Him in some way.
"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:16
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
PRAY!
So...honestly, I am very excited about this whole journey and I'd be lying to say I wasn't a little bit nervous. I'd also be lying if I said I was 100% ready to start this training plan on Monday. I'm running a 5k on Saturday, with my brother and my sister in law - yeah, whatever - that will be fine but do you realize that come Monday, I start a 24 WEEK PLAN OF TRAINING TO RUN A MARATHON?! What? I mean, here's the thing - I've been kind of doing all I can to avoid actually jumping in - "oh, it's fine, I don't start training until Monday", "yeah, it will be okay - I have another week until I have to start." So really, I am feeling a little overwhelmed like that has put me behind.
Pray for me and my motivation. I've got it but I need to dig deep and pull it up and hold onto it, you know what I mean? I'm doing this come stink or high water but it's so not going to be easy and I'm a little afraid. I am going to just be straight up honest as we go cause right now, I'm not feeling too encouraged about it. I think I'm good with the first 3 weeks then after that, well we'll see.
Pray for me and my motivation. I've got it but I need to dig deep and pull it up and hold onto it, you know what I mean? I'm doing this come stink or high water but it's so not going to be easy and I'm a little afraid. I am going to just be straight up honest as we go cause right now, I'm not feeling too encouraged about it. I think I'm good with the first 3 weeks then after that, well we'll see.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
As if I needed any MORE inspiration....
I'm chock full of inspiration for doing this - really, I am. I am SO excited about doing this - apprehensive a little, but definitely excited. You'd think I wouldn't need even more inspiration, but I have found even more. Were you aware that Sonic has a burger with jalapeno poppers ON it?!? I mean REALLY?!?! I texted Steph about it and don't lie Steph, you were intrigued too. So I said "after the race, my friend." Let me, therefore, go on record saying "I am running the the Chicago marathon for the sonic popper burger." I will eat one after I run 26.2 miles - make no mistake about that! In the words of my fab friend Steph, "blog that baby!"
Speaking of Steph - she really is such an inspiration. She and I have been through SO much together. I have known her since our freshman year in college and been "besties" since our junior year really. Our senior year we lived together off campus and well, I don't have enough pages to rehash all those stories for you. Some other time. Some other time.
Steph is one of those people that is true to the core. I have to admit that our friendship went cold for awhile - and because of me. I have been through some stuff that I just kinda didn't want to deal with and therefore, would shut people out - she was one of them. There was a time I just kind of shut her off. I'm sorry, Steph - I am so thankful that you loved me every single day even I wasn't lovable. Every time I've needed her most, she's come running - regardless of the past our choices I've made. When I told her about what happened with my marriage and that I was moving home, her response was "let me be your best friend." I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to run this race with her. She is a RUNNER in every sense of the word and even though she'll be showered, fed and rested up by the time I cross that finish line (haha), she will be there with me! Steph, you are amazing and I love you and am proud to call you friend. Thank you for loving me in spite of me and I am so excited to share this journey with you.
Now bring on the popper burger!
Speaking of Steph - she really is such an inspiration. She and I have been through SO much together. I have known her since our freshman year in college and been "besties" since our junior year really. Our senior year we lived together off campus and well, I don't have enough pages to rehash all those stories for you. Some other time. Some other time.
Steph is one of those people that is true to the core. I have to admit that our friendship went cold for awhile - and because of me. I have been through some stuff that I just kinda didn't want to deal with and therefore, would shut people out - she was one of them. There was a time I just kind of shut her off. I'm sorry, Steph - I am so thankful that you loved me every single day even I wasn't lovable. Every time I've needed her most, she's come running - regardless of the past our choices I've made. When I told her about what happened with my marriage and that I was moving home, her response was "let me be your best friend." I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to run this race with her. She is a RUNNER in every sense of the word and even though she'll be showered, fed and rested up by the time I cross that finish line (haha), she will be there with me! Steph, you are amazing and I love you and am proud to call you friend. Thank you for loving me in spite of me and I am so excited to share this journey with you.
Now bring on the popper burger!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
He'll use us anywhere but He will put us where He wants us
I promise that when this official program starts on 4/25, I will actually blog about running and tie it together with what I'm learning but for now, well my calves hurt after running in my sister in law's neighborhood which has A LOT OF HILLS. We didn't even run that far either - so that's not fair.
I've been thinking a lot today about where God places us. It's so true that He will use us anywhere but I also firmly believe that He will put us where He wants us and if we trust that and follow then blessings definitely flow. Which brings me to my real thought - I'm "home" - I'm in Georgia. I lived in Chicago for 10 years. Even though my life was there, I really wanted to be back here in Georgia. My lovely friend Courtney can attest to that - hours of gabbing to her on the phone about how I so wished we could just pack it up and move. That just wasn't in the cards. Well, as it turns out here I am - it took something awful and horrible to move me back here but here I am. At the time I moved, I didn't even really consider it a choice - I mean after what happened I was going no matter what. Don't get me wrong, that did not mean that I just wanted to walk away from my marriage and everything and give up without trying - quite the opposite actually (and more on that in another post) but I had to remove myself and the girls from the situation and get into a support structure that quite honestly, I could've only had here in Georgia. After many, many more conversations about this with Court, she said something very wise to me. She said "you know, you never had a peace about being in Chicago, HB....I can't help but wonder if that was God's plan, you weren't happy there because He knew you'd be going back to Georgia." Boy was she right and so was God.
As more time has gone by, I've felt stronger and stronger that being back here was as much for me as it was for my parents. As I write this, my daddy is in the hospital. He's not well. I know my dad might read this so I'm sorry dad, but you're just not well. I am so unbelievably grateful and humbled that God would have me here "for such a time as this" (can I get an amen for the Esther study, ladies??). I don't know a whole lot more than just God will put us where He wants us (bring us home if need be). Did He use me in Chicago? You betcha. Did He know I would be more fruitful here in Georgia? You betcha. He also knew that as much as I needed my family, they needed me.
Please pray for my dad - for healing and comfort and also for all of the doctors - for wisdom and discernment in his care. I love you daddy.
I've been thinking a lot today about where God places us. It's so true that He will use us anywhere but I also firmly believe that He will put us where He wants us and if we trust that and follow then blessings definitely flow. Which brings me to my real thought - I'm "home" - I'm in Georgia. I lived in Chicago for 10 years. Even though my life was there, I really wanted to be back here in Georgia. My lovely friend Courtney can attest to that - hours of gabbing to her on the phone about how I so wished we could just pack it up and move. That just wasn't in the cards. Well, as it turns out here I am - it took something awful and horrible to move me back here but here I am. At the time I moved, I didn't even really consider it a choice - I mean after what happened I was going no matter what. Don't get me wrong, that did not mean that I just wanted to walk away from my marriage and everything and give up without trying - quite the opposite actually (and more on that in another post) but I had to remove myself and the girls from the situation and get into a support structure that quite honestly, I could've only had here in Georgia. After many, many more conversations about this with Court, she said something very wise to me. She said "you know, you never had a peace about being in Chicago, HB....I can't help but wonder if that was God's plan, you weren't happy there because He knew you'd be going back to Georgia." Boy was she right and so was God.
As more time has gone by, I've felt stronger and stronger that being back here was as much for me as it was for my parents. As I write this, my daddy is in the hospital. He's not well. I know my dad might read this so I'm sorry dad, but you're just not well. I am so unbelievably grateful and humbled that God would have me here "for such a time as this" (can I get an amen for the Esther study, ladies??). I don't know a whole lot more than just God will put us where He wants us (bring us home if need be). Did He use me in Chicago? You betcha. Did He know I would be more fruitful here in Georgia? You betcha. He also knew that as much as I needed my family, they needed me.
Please pray for my dad - for healing and comfort and also for all of the doctors - for wisdom and discernment in his care. I love you daddy.
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